Hey 19-year-old Me,
Last night, I got chased out by a raccoon. Literally.
While I was doing ab workouts in a feeble attempt to stave off my food addiction (yep, we’re still on that grind), I noticed a four-legged creature scurry my way. I was doing crunches and, somehow, the sight of a twenty-something pound raccoon in pursuit was even scarier upside down.
Anyway, after screaming like a wuss and running away (yep, we still do that too), I watched the primordial beast dig through my pack and all of my belongings before scurrying away, carefree.
Being me (or “us”, I suppose), I spent the next hour or so contemplating the meaning of it all. Does this mean I need to take more ownership of my life? Should I be like the raccoon: always curious? Will I be the new raccoon queen in the next life?
Obviously the latter.
You’re gonna make a promise today, on your 19th Birthday: by the time you enter your new decade, you’re gonna be happy, gosh darn it, as a woman.
So, I’m turning twenty today, and I’m… pretty great. I know that you’re having a rough go at it — from forgetting to turn on a Facebook setting that tells people it’s your birthday, to just having no plans, things look pretty bleak. And, at this point, being trans is probably the only thing on your mind, so staying in bed buried in blankets sounds pretty good right about now.
Ah, I’m really sorry babe. Figuring out who you are will keep haunting you for the next year or so. It’ll drive you crazy. It’ll break your heart more times than you can count, and sometimes you’re just gonna feel like there’s no point.
But, hey, I just wanted to let you know: crazy things can happen in a year. Your life will turn around, and oh my gosh I’m so excited for you. It’s gonna be AWESOME.
Here are some things to look forward to:
- Feeling accepted after you’ve just spent the last twenty-four hours feeling like your stomach is in freefall and you hate yourself for sending that coming out text
- Meeting new people who have never known you to be anyone but yourself
- Looking around at an auditorium filled with people clapping, and realizing that something you wrote was not only hailed by your Mom as ‘pretty good’, but that people also connected with it and felt like they saw a part of themselves on screen
- Putting on that dress that fits you just oh so right for the first time
- Getting to that first Ultimate tournament, after first taking estrogen, and feeling so free and right in your body that you spend the whole day learning how to fly
- Going on a date for the first time dressed to the nines, and being seen as ‘beautiful’ by another real-live human
- Hearing that someone made fun of you for being who you are, and for the first time, genuinely not giving a heck
- Learning how to cook and make food, and then realizing how much you rock those #MomVibes
- Gaining the confidence to start trying to be funny again, even if it is to the dismay of your friends (but you think you’re funny so you laugh)
- Saying goodbye to a team and then joining another, only to realize that instead of having to choose worlds, you’re now a woman of two
- Falling in love with yourself in a whole new way
- Having so many amazing people in your life. Rey (or Ray, I guess you’re currently called? Wild), you’re gonna meet/re-connect/grow with so many people who care about you. Words are so feeble when trying to describe just how awesome it’s gonna be to have so many wonderful and strong humans around… and you’re gonna love them so much. Pinky promise.
There’s a moment from The Good Place this past season that I wanted to share. I know that you’re only on Season 2 (seeing as Season 3 hasn’t been released yet), so of course I edited it to where there will be no spoilers.
Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell) is especially upset, and turns to Janet (D’Arcy Carden) for “the answer” to life. Why care at all, she wonders, if you’ll only end up hurt.
In response, Janet says:
“If there was an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn’t be special. It would just be machinery, fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food processor.
But, since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it’s euphoria. Isn’t it remarkable?”
And so, I wanted to leave you with that. Maybe life doesn’t have some bigger meaning, like the raccoon that asserted its dominance for NO REASON, and then strutted away. Maybe you’re in an especially tough time and you feel like, no matter which way you turn, you’re only gonna get hurt. Maybe, you feel like you’ve lost all hope.
I wanted to tell you this: hang in there babe. Trust me, I know how hard it gets sometimes. But, I also wanted to let you know that I — we — came out on top. There’s so many good things happening right now in 2019, and I’m having such a blast. Life still doesn’t make 100% sense, but I don’t care. I appreciate every single thing, because it’s what makes my journey so wacky and weird and fun and interesting and meaningful.
Isn’t it remarkable?
